DISCLAIMER: By reading this mock advert from a faux corporation, you take upon yourself the risk that your delicate sensibilities will be offended by the content or language. Please sit down if you are at risk of fainting. You have been warned.

After having received numerous complaints regarding the results of Aethertech Industries Children’s Morphine, Aethertech Industries Live Child-Testing Facility has produced a sure-fire solution!

Do you miss the pitter-patter of little feet? A home without a child’s laughter echoing through the halls can not truly be called a home! Do you find your child dull and listless after taking Aethertech Industries Children’s Morphine? Reclaim that childlike vigor with Aethertech Industries Children’s Cocaine!

Aethertech Industries Children’s Cocaine is concentrated from the most premium, certified organic coca leaves from the highest mountains of Columbia. It comes from nature, so you can be sure it is wholesome and nutritious for your precious child! Aethertech Industries Children’s Cocaine is proven 100% more effective at delivering all the nutrients of the coca leaf: even better than snorting whole vegetables! Indeed, one would need to intranasally ingest a full ten pounds of vegetables for every ounce of pure, uncut Aethertech Industries Children’s Cocaine coca leaf concentrate!

Instill vim and vigor into your melancholy little one! With Aethertech Industries Children’s Cocaine! Now in five tantalizing scents children love!

From the makers that brought you the Pavlovian Electro-Stimulus Learning Pod and the Not-Quite-Dead Pet Puppeting Marionette Kit.

Side effects may include: frequent nosebleeds, spirited disposition, jaw clenching, tooth grinding, Central American warfare, serious addiction, ranting, raving, compulsive climbing, TIGER BLOOD!!!, and delusions that the floor is made of lava.

Aethertech Industries proudly manufactures the life-saving armaments of everybody’s favorite time-traveling heroes: the Aether Brigade!