DISCLAIMER: By reading this mock advert from a faux corporation, you take upon yourself the risk that your delicate sensibilities will be offended by the content or language. Please sit down if you are at risk of fainting. You have been warned.

So, you have decided to become a parent! We here at Aethertech Industries salute your commitment to the calling of the responsibility of the mission of preparing the next generation! And what could make this rewarding occupation more rewarding still? Why, Aethertech Industries’ new line of children’s medicinal products!

Consider the common pediatric ailment of juvenile jubilation: this describes minors that are rambunctious, boisterous and unruly. This terrible affliction affects up to 95% percent of children under the age of 14. Is this your child?

You have seen the quiet, well-behaved, compliant children next door and wondered to yourself, “What IS that Nosey Nancy’s secret?” Wonder no longer! That whoring gossipmonger is spilling every secret on the block except her own, but we have the answer for you right here! Yes, that snooping bint who you have caught leaning on the wall of your home with a cup to her ear has discovered mommy’s little helper: Aethertech Industries Children’s Morphine!

New Aethertech Industries Children’s Morphine: all the strength of Aethertech Industries Adult Morphine, in six delicious flavors that your child is sure to love: liver and onions, play-doh, tuna fish, salty boogers, earwax, scotch, or watermelon! Aethertech Industries Children’s Morphine is guaranteed to calm nervous dispositions, quell rebellious spirits, and nourish developing brains for increased focus in school! Aethertech Industries Children’s Morphine is synthesized from the finest, all-natural opium poppies, so you may rest easy, confident in the knowledge that only Aethertech Industries Children’s Morphine may contain the vitamins, minerals, and sedatives that growing bodies need!

Side effects may include: sudden death, knobbly knees, listlessness, crippling addiction, constipation, loose bowels, failing grades, repetition of the word “why?”, chronic melancholy, maple syrup urine syndrome, crude verse chanting, incessant whinging, and indigo aura.
-Aethertech Industries Children’s Morphine may cause the serious and irreversible side effect of slowed, stunted, or reversed growth.-

Aethertech Industries proudly manufactures the life-saving armaments of everybody’s favorite time-traveling heroes: the Aether Brigade!