Brought to you by those time-traveling do-gooders, Aether Brigade, 1st Regiment, Company A, Her Imperial Majesty’s Witchfinder Army.
Imagine yourself, if you will, at the wake for your dearly departed neighbor, the Late Mister Rottington. The vicar is quietly comforting the widow, and the alderman pays his respects to the departed’s inconsolable children. Everyone speaks highly of the deceased. Then, the unthinkable happens: Mr. Rottington makes an appearance at his own memorial, leg a-dragging behind him! The horror!
Was he buried alive? No! He has joined the legions of animate dead! How embarrassed is his family? Quite.
Proper mourning etiquette cannot save your family’s sullied reputation! Now, all the neighbors will only talk about one thing for a month: what evil did Mr. Rottington do to be punished so in the afterlife?
DO NOT BE LIKE MR. ROTTINGTON! Save your family the shame and social disquietude: make sure that you are cremated upon your demise.
Indeed, animate dead are not the only reason to cremate today. There are other types of posthumous risings that can be even more dangerous: vampirism, ghoul fever, curse of the mummy, mark of the lich, pink eye, and more! As terrible as a herd of animate dead can be, individually these creatures bring nowhere near the trouble posed by the other varieties of undead that one might become! Just imagine if Mr. Rottington, the adept account manager who was such an asset to the neighborhood, became Count Rottington, master vampire and devourer of children! Indeed, all reasonably intelligent people should be be cremated for reasons of public safety!
The animate dead have roamed the Earth since time immemorial. The greatest outbreak of the Animate Plague, of course, was in 1347 AD, when one third of the human population perished at the insatiable claws of hungry animate corpses. Don not let it happen again! Support your local crematorium, today!
Also! Kindly visit our gofundme link on our website to help with our current lawsuit. Without going into details, we need to protect our guidelines of “Dead-dead”, “gravely injured” and “sleeping”. Some people refuse to acknowledge that they are dead. If we are on the scene, then that means somebody is dead! (They may simply not yet know.)
Remember: A neighborhood where children can make snow angels in the human ash falling from the sky is a healthy neighborhood!
– – – – Everybody’s favorite time-traveling heroes: the Aether Brigade! – – – –
“If we do not save your life in thirty minutes or less, the next rescue is free!”