Fictional excerpt from Issue #207, September 1910

If you invite ladies over for tea on Sunday …consider familiarizing yourself with the morning papers to promote topical conversation. Also, check for hidden ciphers with regard to RSVP.

If a forgotten god reclaims your home in the middle of your luncheon  …be ready with some tonic water for those inevitable, nasty blood, urine and vomitus stains.

If your flowers from the market have begun to sag by the afternoon… try dropping a quarter tablet of aspirin in the water vase and watch your flowers improve again over the coming hours.

If one of your guests should unexpectedly reveal themselves to be a serial killer whilst hosting a destination party and the bridge washes out trapping you all and dooming you to a certain, grisly demise …keep a loaded shotgun strapped under the dinner table adjacent to your right hand and have a strike lighter and a camera flash handy to surprise attackers attempting to take advantage of the blackout.

If your guests might be too modest to join your poolside soiree …consider planning your aquatic celebration on a warm Summer evening when your staff might arrange flattering lights or perhaps those dim enough for concealment and yet bright enough for safety.

If you should have your evening party impressed upon by a high society vampire …be sure to keep a few healthy, peasant girls well stocked in your basement. (Virgins preferred but not required.)

If your schedule of events proves insufficient to overcome the old ennui …stay abreast of the latest infernal summoning rituals as no one knows how to liven things up as a minor devil or, if you are feeling confident, an Archduke of one Realm of Hell, perhaps.*

If one of your guests should suddenly sprout additional limbs, perhaps tentacles …be sure to tactfully ignore the transformation,  and quietly inform the staff to bring up additional towels should ectoplasm be brought into the situation. Remember: four arms means two salad forks, two butter knives, two soup spoons and so forth when setting the table!

If all else fails …you can probably spin the inevitable gossip piece to blame a group of hapless adventurers; I recommend the Aether Brigade.



*Belial, Lord of Flies, is known to be far more genial and ultimately, more entertaining than Asmodeus, Destroyer of Men.